Friday, November 12, 2010

Dear 2010:

Fuck off already. I can't take anymore! I am already dealing with the loss of my dog. Now my cat is sick again, and will likely need surgery again, much like he had in January. I have negative $375 in my checking account. I made less than $100 at work tonight. My mom has done nothing but bail my ass out this year, and she can't really help this time. I am behind on all my bills. I am alone. I am so fucking depressed that it feels like a heavy weight on my chest when I try to breathe. I am at the end of my rope, and I'm pretty much ready to tie a noose in it, and be done.

Seriously, how do people go on? How the fuck do people take hit after hit after hit and just keep fighting? I cannot fall asleep. I cannot stay asleep. I am tired, and it's wearing on me. I feel like crap. I look like crap. I don't eat. I subsist on crusty bread and butter from work or apple fritters that my friend brings me by the box from Starbucks. That's it. I talk myself out of hungry all the time.

My mom wants me to move back in with her. She also wants me to work at her bar in Galveston. I hate that plan, but it's increasingly appearing as though that's my only option. I feel like everything is crashing down around me, and I'm struggling to see a way out of this. I think I'll go smoke some more cigarettes. It won't really solve anything, but it makes me feel better... for a minute.