Wednesday, August 17, 2011

I got into a vicious argument with a friend. It was ugly, and I said things which I deeply regret. I could justify it and say that I was merely trying to hurt him as much as possible (true) and I was pushed (literally and figuratively) and it triggered my fight or flight response (which seems to always land on "fight!") or any number of excuses. I was out of control, and it upsets me. My friend said and did horrible things, too. That upsets me.

I'm still trying to sort myself out after all of this. I am not the person I presented in this fight. I got very ugly and am now afraid that that's who I really may be. I considered physical violence at one point. As in, my fist was balled up and I was about to throw a punch. It went places that should stay tucked in dark recesses of my mind. Places which belong hidden away permanently. Places which exist in all of us, but shouldn't be exposed to the world at large.

Am I this ugly and hateful and spiteful? Do I really have this nasty streak where I am out for blood? Or is this an aberration, and not truly indicative of who I am and what I want?