Monday, March 14, 2011

Went to a gun range Friday night. I'd never shot a gun before. It was awesome! I didn't do too badly, I might add. We shot at a zombie, so of course we were aiming at the head at first. I never thought I'd say this, but firing that Glock 9mm was so much fun!

Then, I came home and logged into FB, as I do. It was then that I found out that the girl who'd been one of my best friends in the 8th grade died Friday night. I hadn't spoken to her in years, save for some FB interactions and whatnot. But for some reason, hearing that she'd died hit me like a ton of bricks. She left behind a husband, a 12-year-old daughter and an 8-year-old son. Oh my god, that poor family.

Then, Saturday, I found out something about a friend that I will never forgive. I have long said that I love this friend very much, and would always take care of him. I haven't stopped loving him, because that's not how love works. But I have gone from feeling like I would give him everything to thinking of ways to destroy him. I'm not going to. You all know that. But I have never been this angry in my life. I know that holding onto anger is akin to taking poison and hoping that your enemy dies. Anger will only hurt me in the long run. But holy shit, I have never been this livid in my life. UNFORGIVABLE! I may someday move past this feeling. I meditated yesterday. I went for a long walk to clear my head. I took a really long, really hot shower. I took a sleeping pill. And still, there's this fury. I hope it passes. I have no hope of rebuilding our friendship, I just don't want to feel like this anymore.

I refuse to make you my everything, while to you, I am nothing.