Dear Tiny Tarantula...of DEATH!:
Have the backyard. No, seriously, take it. I won't use it anymore. Knowing that you're living out there kept me awake for a little while last night. I was too paralyzed by fear at your mere presence to even do anything about your impending breach of the impregnable security system that is our sliding glass doors. I had to leave it to Smang. Oddly, I did not request your extermination. In fact, reasoning that you're a large spider [ed. note--I know that I say that about most spiders, but seriously y'all: it was a fucking tiny tarantula! The Tiny Tarantula of Death!], I figure you eat quite a lot of the nasty bugs that also inhabit the backyard. So, I said to Smang, "We can't kill him! [ed. note--I have no clue why the Tiny Tarantula of Death is automatically male.] Let's just close the blinds, and maybe he'll go away, and we don't ever have to let the bitches go into the backyard again." Smang used some logic and said, "he's on the backdoor. He's comin' right for us!" I could not move. I curled up on the little, blue couch, facing the backyard. I got as small as I could, crouched tightly into a ball. You know, so that the Terrifying Tarantula of Death couldn't see me. Smang got elected to send you away. She slid open the backdoor. I screamed. You moved a leg or three. Then, I stared at Smang. "Now you're out there with him? Now what?" She picked up some tiny, gardening tool. She placed the end of said tool near you, allowing you to crawl up the damn thing. She held her arm out as far away from her as it would stretch. I screamed again, for good measure. Then, instead of tossing you into either of our crazy neighbors' yard, she just hucked you toward the fence. YOU'RE STILL IN THE YARD! So, TToD, please just take the backyard. It's been raining for 13 hours now. I'm sure there are plenty of delicious bugs out there now that you'd enjoy wrapping in silk and sucking dry. I won't need to go out there. The dogs can go into the front yard now. Really, it's fine. All I ask is that you not come inside, ever. If you can agree to these terms, we can commence a mutually beneficial relationship. Should you fail to honor these terms, and breach the sanctity of my domicile, I shall commence extermination plans immediately.
Thank you for your attention,