Saturday, February 05, 2005

My Mind is Twisting in its Cage

Run away! Run away!


what a day. Friday night lasted well into Saturday morning. Then, The Boy called me at 8:30. I didn't answer. I was trying to sleep. So, he called back at 11. I answered, and explained that I was sleeping. Then, he called again at 2:00. He said he wanted to talk. I said let's hear it. Then, he tells me that he's in love with me, he wants me to be his girlfriend and to quit my jobs and move to Houston. I politely declined. I am not interested in uprooting my life and moving it to H-town. I'm not interested in changing everything and moving for someone who thinks they may just love me. What happens when he freaks out again, like he did last summer? Twice. What happens if I freak out? I'm not in love with The Boy. We're too different and our age difference is a serious obstacle in our relationship. So why is he not hearing me when I say these things? Then, this evening, I was chilling on the couch in my jammies. Not The Boy called to see if I wanted to go to a party. Then he tells me that he knows that I gave my cell number to someone and "that's some ho ass shit". I'm crazy about him and he called me a ho. What the hell? My feelings are hurt. And I don't know how to say "hey asshole. I care about you. I'm not seeing other people and I just want to be with you". I fucking hate the dating world. I hate the jealousy and bullshit games. I hate the misunderstandings. And mostly, I hate being single and just wanting to be with someone. It's a combination of being lonely and wanting to embrace that loneliness , so that no one can hurt me. I think I'll just call it a day on both those relationships and be done with it. I deserve better. At least, I want to believe that I deserve better.

*lays in a bed of self-making*