Friday, June 13, 2008

so, it's been a while since we discussed an Episode of Awesome.

Y'all may have surmised that Smang is out of town this week. She has some stuff to handle and I am in charge of the house this week. I can handle a bit of responsibility now and again. Yes, I can!

Smang was going to come home last night. She called me last night. She decided to stay the whole week. She asked if I would mind changing the kitty litter and changing Barry Garcia's water. Sure, I can totally handle those things.

I go to Target. I procure kitty litter, as well a few other necessities. I also hit the grocery store, the dry cleaners and got gas. I finished my errands, and made my way back home. It took me two trips to get everything in the house. I decided to tackle the worst job first, to have it out of the way.

I go into The Office of Stink. I grab the bottom half of the litter box. I grab a trash bag and head out for the trashcan outside. I very carefully close the front door behind me, so that Brownie cannot escape. I go dump the litter in the trash bag, deposit said bag in the trash can and take the trash down to the curb (it's trash day today.) I walk back to the house.

One.

Small.

Problem.

I set down the bottom half of the litter box on the porch. I try the knob. It's locked. I try it again, pushing real hard. Because that will somehow unlock the door. Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuckufuck! Yeah, I forgot to unlock the front door before I went outside. I had not yet let the bitches outside, so the back door was still locked. The front door is locked. Everything I've just purchased, including milk and creamer is on the kitchen table.

I walk out to the driveway. I survey the house. I zero in on my bedroom window. It's locked, but I think with some maneuvering, I can unlock it. Right next to my bedroom window is a house protecting plant. A plant designed to deter anyone from forcing entry into my room. I will not be deterred. I slide the window open a crack. The house protecting plant has extremely pointy leaves. I feel a searing pain in my arm. I don't stop. It stabs me in the foot. I keep wriggling the window. Then, I squat down and use every bit of strength in me to force the window open, knocking the screw that's designed to keep said window from opening all the way clear across my room.

The house protecting plant and the screw both did their designated duties very well. It's just that I had perishables on the kitchen table, and my dogs and my phone were inside. Not much was going to stop me from breaking in.

However, since I am NOT a master thief, I very much look like someone who broke into a house protected by extra pointy plants. I am covered in scrapes, punctures and bruises.

Whatever, I still got in.