Dear Dudes with Girlfriends: Eat shit and live. Get bent. Fuck straight off.

First, there was you. You #1 told me that they'd broken up. So, I went to have sandwiches with him. And then two weeks later, he moved with that same girlfriend to Miami.

Then, there was you. You #2 was just always evasive. It was that night she was there that I figured out who she was.

And this week, you. You hurt the most. You #3, oh you! Son of a whore, we could've been great. I didn't even care that you're not 6' tall. You see, for the last four and 1/2 years, you must be over 6' tall to ride this ride. You're the exact same height as me. Didn't matter. Turns out, you, too, have a goddamned girlfriend. Of course you do. You're cute. And smart. And a sailor. And not American.

I tripped and fell and broke my heart again.