Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Dear Cigarettes~

Hey! It's been so good seeing you lately. We've been seeing other a lot, especially at VP. I have been having so much fun.

I'm sorry I haven't called you this week. I have been sick. I woke myself up this morning with a coughing fit. I know, I know! If I truly loved you, I would have been in touch, even in sickness.

We used to have some amazing times. We used to go on long trips together. We used to stay up late together. We always had something in common with people in bars. We have been to so many concerts together. You even held me together on my wedding day, when my hairdresser flaked out. Had it not been for you, I would have laid down in the street and sobbed. But I had you to focus on. So I just smoked you, and said "let's do our own hair!" I think it was the crazy nicotine high you'd given me talking.

And then, The Ex told me he didn't want to be married to a smoker. For a while, it was okay not to see you.

When I started working for RHI, we started seeing each other again surreptitiously. You, me and Kendal would sneak off together. We had so many laughs and so much fun downstairs, gossiping, making lunch plans, plotting to take over the world.

And then, I didn't work for RHI anymore.

And then, I wasn't married anymore.

That's when you and I started really hanging out together. It started off as something for Ed and I to do together, hanging out with you. And then, I found myself living alone in the Du, not even speaking to Ed anymore, and seeing you several times a day. I could not stay away. We were superclose for a couple of years. Again, I would lean on you in times of stress. True, my new friend, Xanax, would try to muscle in on your tension-relieving turf. But at the end of the day, it was always you and me.

I even had Smang hanging out with you, when we first moved into her house. She'd hang out in the backyard, just like you and I did. And again, it just...stopped. She stopped first I think. But I quit you, too.

You stopped being appealing. I stopped craving your presence. But, I'd still think about you. Especially when I'd be in a bar. It always seems that I see you in bars.

I think we're going to stop seeing each other again soon. I haven't allowed you into the house. Heck, I won't even carry you in my purse. I have bought you a couple times. It only seems fair, since I've been bumming smokes from Jon and Aaron and Brandan and Kyle even, since this bender started a couple of months ago.

Basically, what I am trying to say is: I think that we should take a break from each other again. I am sure I will be back. I always come back. But right now, I just don't think my lungs can handle anything else. I am sorry. It's not you. It's me.

Please don't hate me. And please continue to be there when I need you.

Love, Heather