Thursday, June 05, 2008

Stupid decisions. I know we have to own our choices. I have no path but the one I make for myself. And yet, I keep doing stupid things. I must be crazy, because I am doing the same stupid stuff and waiting for different outcomes. I know why I keep doing these things. Everything around me is changing and I am acting out my hurt, pain, and anger. In really ridiculous ways. I need to focus again on what means the most to me. I need to find my solace within, rather than looking for external fixes.

And still here it is, almost 5am, and I've been out doing things I shouldn't have been doing, with people I shouldn't have been doing it with. I mean, I haven't done anything that I'd be ashamed to tell Sylvia or anything. But it's also not back-patting time, either.

I was talking with My Unicorn yesterday. See, My Unicorn is the boy I love the most. I tell everyone that I would never get married again. But if My Unicorn asked me to go downtown tomorrow morning and get hitched, I would drop whatever I was doing, and go pick him up, just to make sure we got there as fast as possible. He's just my most favoritest boy. So, we were standing in the Texas sun, sweating & talking. He said that he wasn't very happy with his life at the moment, and he was looking for some kind of big change. I started joking about moving to Costa Rica and learning to surf & teaching yoga on the beach. Except I wasn't really joking. I need something like that. Dallas is not fulfilling me anymore. It's been an awesome 11 11.5 years. But I don't know how many more years I can take in this town.

I need a major shake-up.