Saturday, May 24, 2008

WARNING! Curse words ahead, next several paragraphs.

I failed. Those are the hardest words for me to type. And yet, I did. I fucking failed. I failed at this. I failed. I. Failed. FAIL!

We ran out of the hotel. The other person with me did not pass, either. Which means there is much studying to be done. I fucking dedicated endless amounts of time to studying already. Not enough. More fucking studying ahead. Not today or anything. Today is wound licking time.

I got on the plane in sunglasses, not because I am cool, but because when I fuck stuff up, I get upset. I cried many times. I cried all the way to the airport. I think I cried for a bit in the airport. I got on an earlier flight out of New Orleans. Fuck that stinky, sweaty place! Actually, it's not New Orleans fault. But right now, it gets painted with the "You Suck" brush. Lots of things do. Most especially me. New Orleans should have given me good juju! And yet, I had to get on that airplane and I didn't accomplish what I set out to do. I fucking failed. It's killing me.

I have always been an overachiever. I am a middle child, for cryin' out loud! I am the middle amongst my mom's three daughters and amongst the five cousins that make up my generation in my family. I failed to achieve at the modest task with which I was charged.

My mom said, "Honey, just take the test again." At first, my response was, "oh, fuck no! I just spent how much time and money and STILL I failed! I have to quit my job and figure out something else to do with my life. Because clearly, I am in the wrong business. I don't know anything." "Honey, it's just a test. I have failed tests before. Everyone has." "No mom, not everyone in that room failed. I did, though!"

When we landed in Houston, I called my mommy back. I have never given up so easily, and I'm not going to start now. I will take the test again. She said I was starting to sound a little bit more like myself. I was not brought up to be a quitter. Not at all. Why the hell would I start that now?

So, I will sign up for a retest. But, not today! At least I didn't puke this time.

Personal & Mostly Unrelated Note:

Dear Oeno He Didn't~ (ooo...a pun play on syllables!)

Last night was your last chance. You can't have you cake and eat it, too. Sorry!

Suck it~
Heather