I am having difficulty writing again. I think I allowed the writer within to lie dormant for so long that now, the part of me that writes is broken. Well, maybe not broken. Maybe just a bad bruise. Like one of those purpley-yellow ones, that's deep but not yet fully healed. I want to turn my feelings into words again, so I have an outlet that doesn't just involve mothering a toddler.

Don't misunderstand: mothering my toddler is the best thing I have ever done with my life, well and truly. But I used to be interesting. I knew about wine. I practiced and taught a lot of yoga. I saw movies. I read books. I showered pretty much daily. I have none of these things any more. I wake up when my son wakes up. I go to bed when my son goes to bed. My life is not my own.

I need to revel in the beauty of these moments. A time will come oh so soon when this baby won't want to cuddle with me. He won't want his mommy to fix everything for him. He already has a fierce independent streak.

I need to start writing a little bit daily, just to exercise that part of my being. I may not be able to write like I used to, but goddamnit, I can still write!

so, wow... a year has gone by. I miss writing all the time. But I have a baby now, so that's pretty much what I do with my time. He is hilarious and bright and adorable. I'm not sure he's my kid.

I am about to move. To a small town. I am not sure how I feel about it. While Dallas does have its issues, it has been my home for 18 + years, and I hate the idea of leaving. The flip side is I get to spend more time with my moms and be a stay-at-home mom with my baby, so I am pretty goddamned lucky there.

I need to remember to write every day. It was something I used to love and did on the regs. I have not written in so long, I'm afraid that my sentences aren't coherent or worse, not I'm not funny at all.

In conclusion, be excellent to one another and I'll be back soon...

maybe

So, check this out. I am blogging from my iPad. I have internet, cable & a goddamned iPad. I'm never leaving my house again.

Also, you might not've known, but i'm totally pregnant, too. Just over eight months. So, we'll be going on maternity leave at the end of the month. Maybe i'll be around more.

Hi! How the hell are you? I've missed y'all!!

So, I'm on my laptop once again. I'm pilfering wifi from work, just so I can update. If I was to tell you everything I've been up to for the past two+ years, we'd all be here for days. So, to sum up, after Lucy passed away, it was a very dark and turbulent time in my life. I'm finally starting to shake the black cloud that I lived under for so long...

It's a process. That's the thing I've since learned about depression: it's a vicious and insidious cycle. It convinces you that nothing you do will help, so you do nothing. It took all my courage to even tell my Momz that I was seriously depressed, and her sage advice? "Go take a shower, honey" o_O

So, I have two new dogs in my life: Thelonius Monk Nelson (Theo) and Harriet Magnolia Nelson. Both rescues, both with me for two years now.

In short, things are very different in 2013, and yet, some things will never change. Thanks for still being here.

I love you immensely - Heather

Hey, y'all!! I'm blogging from my iPhone. I got my PowerBook back, but I cannot remember my stupid login password. I miss the blahg, and I definitely miss the therapeutic relief of blah blah blah-ing it all out.

I can't wait to see you on the regs again. Love you; mean it'

I miss my laptop intensely. It's hard to blahg from my phone.

Here, enjoy this pic of Harriet & Theo sharing my blankie

Sorry I've been absent. I still don't have a laptop & posting from my phone can be a challenge.

I'm going through some shit (get the tissues, we've all got fucking issues), but when I get to other side of all this, I'll update ya!

Be excellent to each other.

Hey y'all... What's new?

I'm checking in to say that other than getting instagram for my Droid this week, not much has changed.

I still love those who don't love me back. I'd still rather sit with my dogs than any person. I still haven't met s nail polish I don't love. I still smoke too much. I am who I am.

Picture it: east Dallas, late on a Saturday night/Sunday morning. I'm walking the mutts. So is a neighbor. Harriet, the big dog, sees what she thinks is a cat. The neighbor's dog sees it, too. Except it's not a cat. It's a small, shivering min pin.

Both the neighbor & I put our dogs in our houses. I go over to this little dog. I give it a minute to get used to me. He stops barking. He comes over and snuggles up to my leg. I ask the neighbor if he has a phone (mine was in the house.) He pulls out his phone & calls the 800 number on the tag. They tell us the dog is named Jack. They connect us to Jack's owner.
Jack's owner is shit-housed. He's trying to tell us where he is. He's too drunk. The neighbor & I start walking towards where we think he is. About a half a mile down the road, we see him. He's maybe 20, has braces and falls over when he sees us. Fuck.

We start trying to discern where this kid lives. He's having difficulty communicating. I tell the Neighbor that I'm going to get my car & for them to stay there. I run the half mile back to my house, grab my keys & phone & off we go.

This drunk kid has me driving in circles. The whole time, he's hugging Jack & crying. The kid's lip is bleeding. I'm losing patience. I finally yell ”what is your address?!?” He blurts it out. Yay, an actual destination!

We get the drunk kid to his address. We get out of the car. He looks at me & the neighbor and asks who has the keys. O.o Neither of us do!

We start knocking on the door. He explains that it's his sister's apartment and she's at work. It's now past 2am. The kid starts trying to open windows. I tell the neighbor that it's late, we've gotten them home & we're not even sure that this is the right place. I have no desire to get shot.

I ask the kid what his sister's name is & where she works. He tells me. We leave the kid at the house, I tell him to count to a thousand & we leave.

We stop twice on the way home, because the neighbor thinks he sees the keys. I drop the neighbor off, walk my dogs & sit on the couch.

I start thinking. I google the place where the kid said his sister works. I call. I get the manager. I relay the crazy tale & ask if he could pass the message in to this girl. He says she's right there & passes her the phone. I once again tell the crazy tale. She thanks me & says she'll head home right away.

Sunday, as I was having brunch with friends, I get a call. I don't recognize the number, so I don't answer. They leave a vm. It's the kid. He says he was pretty wasted, can't remember last night & could I help him piece it together & maybe find his car. I figure I've done enough favors for this kid (whom I don't know), and I don't know where his car is, so I don't call back.

Best of luck, though!

I said I'd be back sooner rather than later. Although, clearly it's late at late at night. Or early in the morning. Tomato/tomahto.

The dogs are working on ”heel.” It's not easy. And we have a crazy neighbor named Ray Ray, who likes to call to the dogs anytime he sees them. Look dude, I get that you consider yourself a dog person. But teaching them to heel on a walk when combined they have 10 lbs on me, is already quite the challenge. I'd appreciate you shutting the hell up. Please and thank you.

Also, the job switch... feels better, but it's still wicked early in my employment. I do miss my old coworkers, but I'm certainly bonding with my new coworkers.

All right, let's check out this sleep thing that I always hear people talking about. Good night, my babies. And in case I don't see you, good morning & good afternoon!

Hey. How are you? Me? I'm all right, thank you for asking. Apologies for my protracted absence. I've been trying to get my shit together.

Changed jobs. Made some life changes, too. I'm working on myself.

I promise not be gone so long. Just wanted you to know I'm still alive.

Got another tattoo on 1/1. Wanna see it?

It's been one year today since I lost Lucy. And holy shit, what a year it's been. The hurt hasn't lessened, it's just become more bearable as I've gotten used to it.

I have two dogs currently. A heeler, who's almost ten months old & a pit bull, whose age is approximately two. I wasn't really looking to increase canine capacity around here. But these things have a way of just happening.

In other news, you have ten days until my 37th birthday. 11/11/11 is just around the corner.

Oh, hey... did I tell you that Du III has bees? I tried to get an up-close shot without getting stung, but I got skeered. The landlord casually mentioned it. I asked if I should be worried, and he was all ”nah, they've been there for almost three years.”

O.o Um, what? A hive of bees has been living here for three years and it didn't merit a pre-move in mention? He says it's nothing to sweat, they've never been an issue. I say sharing my abode with hundreds of flying, stinging things is cause for some alarm. Maybe that's just me.

I guess as long as they stay out there, and cause me no trouble, then we can coexist peacefully.

But the first bee that violates the fragile perimeter we've established dies a horrible death. I will not cede my home to a swarm of anything.

It comes to this: we may be through with the past, but the past ain't through with us.

I love you. That will never change. But I have to let you go. You don't love me back. You never did. I have given you body, mind & soul. You've given me nothing but heartache. Where I come from, love is patient and kind. Where you are concerned, I have only suffering. I wish it were different. I wish it were easy. I wish it could be beautiful. But if wishes and ”but...”s were candy & nuts, we'd all have a merry Christmas.

I will keep on keeping on. As will you, I'm sure. You will probably never even notice my absence. Just remember, I didn't walk away. You let me go.

So much heavy lifting! 94% moved. All big items, all clothes, pretty much everything but a couple things under the sink. I'm pooped. Only one friend actually showed up to help. That's okay. It's over now.

Now comes the great reorganization & thinning of the herd. I have already thrown away a lot of things, despite the fact that the Du III is bigger. I need to fix the closet up, decide what to do with the spare bedroom & procure a new living room set. Also, I'm without cable til next week. That's the earliest they can send someone out. That's fine; I have a lot of dvds and books. I know because I moved them all today.

On that note, the pooches are asleep. I think I'll join them...